findmeodlisque

So everything is officialy over with Steven. We're definately not getting back together, but I'm actually not that sad. Everything was pointing to us getting over. For example:
When we went to Santa Monica we always used to park in the same parking lot and walk around, the last time we went the Parking lot guy said that this was the last time we could park there because they were closing the lot and building something new. Also, our favorite part of the pier was under construction...it needed a change too.

I think everything is for the better. I'm riding bikes tomorrow in LA with this groovy hippy kid and then Saturday I'm going to The Decemberists concert. I'm soooo excited!

I get lost in my day dreams and this just gives me more time to dally in them and work hard to transfer soon.

I have great friends. Thank you all for being there for me.

<3

It came in the mail today.

How wonderfully indietastic is it??

Love is an interesting thing. I thought I was in love with my ex-boyfriend but I realize now that I was just in love with the idea of being in love. But what do I know about love in the first place?

I'm in love with the idea of moving to Seattle to go to school.

I'm in love with the idea of visitng this particular boy in Illinois and kissing him in the field.

I'm in love with the idea of falling in love.

But what the hell do I know?

I'm only/already {whichever is convienant} 19. In this case.....

I'm only 19.

and I miss him.

Today I saw The Science of Sleep. It was amazing.

I'm really starting to like this boy from Illinois, I can't get him off my mind. Last night we talked for 3 hours and it was wonderful. I wish I was there, hanging out with him, spending time in the fields or the forest.

Its raining tonight, and that makes me really happy.

It started out as a crush and then it turned into something more. Of course, what is a crush but illogically intense feelings toward someone. I really like this guy though, he makes me want to move to illinios, and not just because of sufjan.

So I went to the ER last night because of the pain caused from my cyst. Morphine is a wonderful thing.

I'm sick as a dog though, anyone is more than welcome to come over and watch movies with me.

My friend Russell downloaded the new Decemberists album early and I'm a little dissappointed to be honest. I think I moved on just in time. For those of you who survived my Decemberists obbession, thank you for putting up with me.

The theme of getting out just in time seems to have been transfered through alot of aspects in my life.

Steven, I'm sorry.

California, I'm sorry.

I've had alot on my mind lately.

First of all, my English teacher, Glynis Hoffman has been raving about the context and superior cultural viewpoint of my writing. Unfortunately, I make stupid grammatical errors and miss points on my papers. {hence why I am writing properly....no more all lower case}

I've been thinking about Seattle alot lately. My thoughts have been mainly occupied by daydreams of excitement to move there.

Things with Steven have been weird. We've grown apart and to be honest I'm indifferent to him. We're still together but I act like we're not. I love him but I know he's not the one for me, I'm almost embarrassed about how crazy I was about him way back when. This sounds kind of lame, but I'm actually holding out for some guy in Seattle. He's super cool and I know its just a silly crush, but it makes me happy to dally in ideas of the two of us together.

I'm tired of the plastic and peroxide of Orange County's shallow scene. I want to leave my southern california beach boy roots which seem to have been mutated into a Hollister culture shock of phonys and fake tans. I want to crawl in bed and cuddle with this guy, even if its just an idea, a silly crush and get warm, rid myself of all the cold hearted people of this place that have left their mark and dampered my spirits and just listen to the rain outside, with the rain being cold itself but the beauty is, I will always find refuge in a cafe, or in his arms. I want to lie there and sing to myself that I'd swim across lake michigan to be alone with him, as indie and lame as that may seem I need to rid myself of all the bad that has happened, let the rain wash away all the burns by people who i thought to be my friend. "There's a city in my mind, c'mon lets take that ride and its alright! Baby its alright!"

I feel like keeping to myself, like staying home and extending my record collection or perhaps widening my knowledge of movies and music. I want to make cool cards for my friends with Sufjan Stevens and American Analog set themes. I want to hope that all these wounds will heal so when I do get to Seattle they will wash off easily.

I had to do this, I had to rant. I feel better now, knowing that things will all work out in the end if I can just get through this year. "I am going to make it through this year if it kills me"

Ironically, I'm writing an essay for my english class and the thesis is "I realized that I was not meant for the shallow culture of Southern California" with the motiff being rain and fog.

*sigh* Hopefully a visit in January to Seattle...lets all keep our fingers crossed for me.

things have been....egh lately. i feel shitty tonight. i feel like things are hopeless and i'll never accomplish my goals. why does seattle seem so far away....beside the obvious physical distance? ok i am going to go to bed and listen to the american analog set and pretend i'm somewhere rainy.

i think i'm going to run away to the following cities, please let me know if any of you would like to come, live there and have room for me to crash or would like to come, knows someone who lives there and we can crash at thier place:
london
seattle
portland
san francisco

sincerely,
emily

last night i saw the editors live at the avalon in hollywood. it had to be one of the best fucking shows i've ever been to. i realized that this is what i live for. i love love love going to shows, dancing my heart out, being two feet away from the stage and having my lovely boyfriend there....man it had to be one of the best freakin nights ever.
"los angeles, i'm yours....."

i decided to just forget writing in capitol letters completely. typing the shift key definately interupts my flow of writing.

i had a pretty good birthday. it was nice having dinner with all my family.

i've also decided that my heart lies in portland. altough i've never been there (but oregon i have set foot in) my thoughts recently have been occupied with daydreams of portland and meeting likewise people i can enjoy.

oh, oregon you seem so far away.

July, July, JULY! as I sing feeling the ever so strangeness of the summer. As the days wind down to August I feel my Europe trip, having been a mere two years ago is in the distant past. Which is quite the contrary feeling to the tears I sheded last year over the thought of being stuck in this sunny state. Now don't get me wrong, I still harbor feelings of an urge for my pilgrimage back to my beloved London and Paris but I feel that the journey can wait.

I feel like I am harmonizing with everything, slowly but surely. I am happy to have my family minus the tragedy of my father. Whose story has yet to remain told, for the better perhaps. I'd like to give it a more fantasy feel as one might say. Perhaps I should share it like it is, but what good would that be?

Last night I recieved 15 missed calls, two voice messages and a text within an hour.....from the same person.

The reason.....

An emergency?
no

He just wanted to hang out.

This is my first of many pages trying to rid my dad from my bones:

Maybe I can just block everything out:

So here's the story of my dad,

He actually died when I was about 5 or so. He worked at the American Embassy in France and was shot when walking with another ambassador. The whole thing was very secretive and we still don't know today what exactly happened.

hmm its very decemberists "bagman's gambit" but its still not taking away the pain.

fuck

Things with my dad have only gotten worse. It was a silly joke that "Valencia" or "Shankill Butchers" was my anthem but now...no joking aside I feel like its the "The Engine Driver". This is so hard, I don't like who I've become. I'm snappy and depressed. I long to be in London. I want a refresher course on life. Is that possible?

I'm an engine driver
On a long run, on a long run
Would I were beside her
She's a long one, such a long one

And if you don't love me let me go
And if you don't love me let me go

I'm a county lineman
On the high line, on the high line
So will be my grandson
There are powerlines in our bloodlines

And if you don't love me let me go
And if you don't love me let me go

And I am a writer, writer of fictions
I am the heart that you call home
And I've written pages upon pages
Trying to rid you from my bones
My bones
My bones

I'm a money lender
I have fortunes upon fortunes
Take my hand for tender
I am tortured, ever tortured

And if you don't love me let me go
And if you don't love me let me go

And I am a writer, writer of fictions
I am the heart that you call home
And I've written pages upon pages
Trying to rid you from my bones
I am a writer, I am all that you have hoped on

And I've written pages upon pages
Trying to rid you from my bones
My bones
My bones

(And if you don't love me let me go)
And if you don't love me let me go
(And if you don't love me let me go)
And if you don't love me let me go

I'm my dad's only daughter. How can he be treating me like this. I give up on him, but it seems like no matter how much I write I still can't rid this of my bones.

Lets all raise our glasses to disfunctional familys....

and drink up.

Alot of people close to me know that the relationship with my dad and step mom isn't the best. Last Wednesday I was at the mall and ran into my step mom, this is what happened:

me "Oh, HI. How are you? I was just looking for a tie for my Dad"
karen (my step mom" Don't bother...he doesn't want to hear from you"
me "But...we e-mail each other-.."
karen "Yeah but he only e-mails you unless you e-mail him right? And why don't you think he is paying for any of your schooling? Its because he doesn't want you"
me: (getting that ball in my throat like I am going to cry) "Why do you have to be so mean?"
karen: "well your father chose me over you"
me: Well, I'm almost 19 and i don't have to deal with this.

...

So pretty much she is, as Russell Sadeghpour stated 'a horrific bitch'

So I was thinking that I'd really like to get back at them, and as a joke I told my friend that I want to Shankhill Butcher them, which is..probably to no one's surprise a Decemberists song. Well, anywho it gave me an idea and here's the plan:

The plan is to toliet paper and egg thier house (boring i know but it gets good...just go with me on this one) I am going to put a piece of paper that says "Compliments of the Shankhill Butchers" and then I am going to spread hundreds of strips of paper all over their yard that read " The Shankhill Butchers are on the rise, you better shut your windows tight" and "If you don't mind your mother's word...a wicked wind will blow the ribbons from your curl" and then I am going to throw all sorts of nasty stuff in their driveway....sweet sweet revenge.

So whose with me on this one? Who wants to be apart of the Shankhill Butchers?